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  • One Of Those Full Moons

    Every once in a while, I just feel this need to stay up all the night whatever the consequence for the next day. It’s like a reset or an emotional cleanse where I can work out all the less lucid energy that seems to build up in the mean time. Mostly, this ‘reset’ happens on a full moon, or at least within a day of it.

    This is one of those full moons.

    It starts with a restlessness, and a sense of being dog-tired while at the same time feeling no desire whatsoever to actually go to bed and sleep. There’s a feeling that there are things to do, and they must be done now.

    Things like critiques for my critique group, A Bitch Of Writers, or writing that short story or sermon. Things like reading this book, or that one, or doing a bit of laundry if only there weren’t someone trying to sleep upstairs. Things like setting up the bookshelf, though I’d want to rearrange the whole living room first and there’s so much that needs tidying… I’m sure you get the picture.

    And so I’m here with a pot of oatmeal before me, Earl Grey tea at my elbow, and The Cars playing on YouTube because that’s apparently ‘Just What I Needed’. With any luck, I’ll be able to make this productive insomnia.

    Does this ever happen to you? Do you ever fight it and try to sleep, or just go with it?



  • Trans, ADHD, And Accessing Employment Services

    Well. That was an interesting day. The kind of day that really drives home why I was so reluctant to apply for any kind of assistance before now. Unfortunately, I need some kind of gainful employment, or the next best thing, and doing it on my own hasn’t been working. So.

    Off I go to the Alberta Employment and Immigration office. I don’t know exactly what I need, except that I need help. I’d gotten a form to fill out when I was there Friday, but other than that and a handful of mostly contradictory ID, I’m unprepared. I think I know what I want to say, but most of what I say comes out of my mouth too fast and in the wrong order. I’m easily confused, and I’m not sure I know what’s going on. But I concentrate, and read things over twice, three times if I need to. Remember, breathe.

    One of the things I’m applying for is Income Support. Since it’s a provincial service, I happily fill everything out as Eric, confident that this is, in fact, my legal name. There’s a certificate to prove it and everything! Then the worker tells me that they need to know it I qualify for Employment Insurance before we can go ahead with the IS application. I just have to go across the hall to Service Canada and ask. Easy, right?

    Well, this is where being trans intersects with being ADHD to great effect. Remember how I was filling everything out as Eric? Well, that all well and good for provincial stuff, but as far as the federal level is concerned, my old identity is still in effect. I don’t even want to know how this will affect my applications across the hall; it’s bad enough typing in the name still attached to my Social Insurance Number. Worst part? I’m still too agitated and confused to properly explain to the lady helping me (read: practically filling out the form for me) what my problem is, and most of my corroborating ID is back across the hall. At this point, I can only hope that the information I provided is someone’s version of correct and that I won’t be locked up for fraud.  I’m probably overreacting, but I can’t help it.

    Back across the hall in Alberta, I have a slightly easier time explaining myself. She gives not only gives me information for employment services I can use, but also legal guidance so I can get some advice on this whole identity thing. By now I have all my forms and whatnot together to take to the third floor where the actual application process happens. Ok. After a quick detour to the coffee shop on the corner for a desperately needed Earl Grey, I’m upstairs, ready to fill everything in and get this process started.

    Well, not quite. I’m still missing my banking information.

    A trip home to grab a blank cheque and print up some bank statements, and a second Earl Grey later, I’m back up on the third floor. I have succeeded in replacing ‘agitated’ with ‘stoned,’ but at least I have all my information together. I go through the line, hand in my forms, and wait to be called up. With all this running around trying to get some kind of employment support, sitting in the waiting room of Alberta Works is when I get a call for a job interview.

    Of course.

    I still don’t know what’s going on, but I think it’s getting better, yeah?



  • 24-Hour Read-A-Thon Pre-Blog

    So, starting at 6am tomorrow (my 6am–your time zone may vary,) this blog is going to start getting weird. All right, weirder than usual. Let’s face it, I’m always weird. Tomorrow, I’ll be participating in the April 2011 Dewey’s Read-A-Thon, where I will stay up for 24 hours and read. That’s it. Read. And then blog about it.

    When I first heard about the Read-A-Thon, I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it. Did I really have time to spend the entirety of a Saturday reading, when I could be writing or working on other things? Then I went to the library and picked up a big stack of books for research. I looked at the books, at how much reading that would be and thought, What the hell. Bring on the Read-A-Thon!

    So the plan it this: at 6am I will get up and begin with what will no doubt be a delightful and cheery good morning post. I will then update that same blog post for hourly reports, unless I pass out at some point, so you will get to learn all about the Crusades and early Christian history, and whatever else I read to give my brain a bit of a break.

    I will also be spending a significant part of the day at my friend Krissa’s place, reading with her and the rest of our triumvirate of four. This will give me a chance to exercise my skills of reading while walking, since I refuse to leave the house before 6am. And yes, I will be doing this in my pyjamas. There will be soup. And munchies. And lots and lots of Earl Grey tea.

    So join me tomorrow in my reading adventure, as I no doubt dissolve into an incoherency rivalling that of Charlie Sheen. Tomorrow, reading becomes a spectator’s sport.



  • Self-Medicating with Earl Grey Tea

    Let me just start by saying that I am not a doctor, and that really, I can only speak from my own experience here. Please don’t take my word as gospel, but if you do, I’m not responsible for the consequences, m’kay? That said, I have heard on several occasions and from multiple sources that I cannot for the life of me remember let alone cite that the stimulant caffeine can help focus the AD/HD mind.

    Hmm? Oh yes, this does make for two AD/HD post in a row, thanks for noticing. But on to the story, and eventually the point of it all.

    So today I was hanging out with my writing triumvirate consisting of four people (we’re like a Douglas Adams trilogy like that, only not really.) We had some good times, attacked Twitter together, and even managed to do some actual writing, but there was a certain lack of sleep on several fronts, and candy. I was already trying to pay attention to a million things all at once when we decided to take a trip to Staples. Let’s review: lack of sleep, sugar, over-stimulation, an office supply store, and AD/HD.

    I. Touched. Everything.

    I barely had time to register one object before my attention was captured by another one. I picked things up and read the product description from the one that was still on the shelf. I had to reassure my friend that I did hear what she’d said, I was paying attention after a fashion, and that if things work out that way, yes, I would love to.

    I was driving myself nuts.

    When we returned, I promptly, after much running around in and out of the kitchen, made myself a cup of Tea, Earl Grey, Hot. The effects of my regular meds had clearly worn off or been overridden; the sweet, steeped drug was my last hope of, well, functioning.

    And yes, it had to be the tea. I don’t know why this should be, but I’ve discovered time and time again that coffee will turn me into an over-stimulated two year old. Not at the hyper stage (I was already there,) but at the over-tired and miserable stage. A nice, strong, black tea on the other hand will focus me. It will also make me feel more than a little stoned, but hey, self-medicating isn’t an exact science.

    The point of it all is, it worked. I dialled it down to regular-person hyper as opposed to AD/HD-hyper, and I could focus long enough to read a tweet, at the very least. Yes, I did indulge in a mild outburst over my dislike of forms (trust me, that was mild; it still had an edge of humour to it,) but over all I was fit for human company, even if I still couldn’t be trusted in polite company.

    The down side to all of this is, of course, that having caffeine so late at night means I probably won’t be sleeping very well. Which is why when I got home, I made myself a fresh pot of, you guessed it, Earl Grey tea.